No roadmap

How I lurch through life

File under: Life, decisions, Tristafarians, meditation, ramble

I find it interesting that whenever I have really, really wanted (to quote the Spice Girls) something in my life, I didn't get it. Meanwhile I have got things that I wanted, but not wanted as ardently.

While I was studying law at SOAS I swiftly realised my lack of interest in the legal systems of 18th century China, so tried to flee to King's College. Didn't get in. Was devastated as I watched my future as a QC drift away through the spliff smoke of the Junior Common Room (bar/common area at SOAS full of terrible Tristafarians etc).

I ended up switching to Law and Arabic at SOAS because a language is useful isn’t it, and then spent the year abroad in Alexandria learning French. If I hadn’t have done that magical year abroad spent largely sunning myself by a swimming pool and eating lunch in Delices I probably wouldn’t have come back to Egypt after my degree.  

Later, when I was working at an NGO and thinking about doing a masters in human rights law (lolz) I applied for a full-ride scholarship in Geneva and got it, but didn't take it. Partly because I didn't want to be away from Egypt for two years (unending LOLZ) but also cos Switzerland is cold (and possibly deep down because I don't think that any club that will accept me is very good?)

Then, earlier this month, I found out that I didn't get a powerlifting internship I badly wanted (the background is that I have been looking for a powerlifting mentorship/internship for the past 3 years). Last year I failed an exam I really wanted to pass. Decades ago I got a C in Law. I remember crying in the shower, emo style (insert a massive LOLZ). It was probably that C that kept me out of King's College.

In December I froze during a Zoom viva for a Cardiac Rehabilitation qualification exam I was doing. The examiners were talking to me and I literally had no idea what they were saying. It was like I had had a stroke. Which is ironic given the subject matter. I also discovered that I'd completely ballsed up some maths in the case study that the viva was about. I re-sat it and passed, hooray for me (and if you and your clogged arteries need training, hit me up), but the moral of the story is I choose to do things that I like very much (science-y stuff) but which are very much not my strengths and then (surprise!) have a hard time.

If there was a single spiritual fibre in my body I would probably take comfort in a higher power shaping my path for me or whatnot. But there isn't, so I regard myself as just another collection of atoms fumbling their way through the dark. And on good days I have no problem with that, because I like change and can handle uncertainty, and in any case my life stopped following a standard linear progression at 16 when I went through a 15 second rebellion. But on the – not exactly bad days, let’s call them more speculative days – I ponder these crossroads moments of my life and imagine what the other Sarah is doing. What would have happened if I had got into King’s, if I had gone to Geneva, if I hadn’t come back to Egypt etc etc ad nauseum. Would other Sarah be married to a Dave and settled down in Crawley, or perhaps dead, or working a 9-5 office job in Croydon which is essentially the same as being dead.

This mostly isn’t a depressing exercise, by the way, but it does semi-transport me into another space-time dimension (as much as a person can be transported into another space dimension while not on mind altering drugs) in the same way that thinking about time travel does. It reminds me that life is both infinite and finite, and that the freedom to make your own choices as a hashtag blessed adult with material resources and freedom is both a blessing and inestimable burden. A bit like putting a jigsaw together in the dark.

Semi non-sequitur: I have found that meditation helps loads with stress and anxiety. Again, I am the opposite of spiritual and hippyness and make for the hills when I see someone brandishing a crystal with intent. So, I use an app called Headspace narrated by a bloke called Andy who sounds like every builder in South London. Mindfulness gets a lot of shit but is extremely helpful. It essentially teaches you to tell the little voice in your head to shut the fuck up. This is useful at moments of stress like when your dog thinks it’s a great game to run away from you, or when an Uber driver who has started the journey asks where you’re going as he stares at the clearly marked location on his map.